


Who Needs Rehab When You Have Ghosts?

by pupeez4eva



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Ghosts, Humor, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 15:59:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14524143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: The Ghosts of Drug-Users Past, Present and Future - all who look suspiciously like members of the BAU - visit Reid one night and attempt to show him the error of his ways. They all fail horribly.





	Who Needs Rehab When You Have Ghosts?

**Author's Note:**

> Just a really old fic of mine that I wrote back in 2012 and posted on ff.net. I've finally uploaded it here, so hopefully you enjoy it :)

"Are you a hallucination?" Reid asked for the tenth time that night (yes, he'd kept track).

"For the millionth time," the ghostly Morgan-look-alike ground out, " _n_ _o."_

"You look like Morgan," Reid said. "But you can't be, because Morgan isn't dead. At least, I don't think he is - you know, I feel like I should be more afraid. Hallucinations are a sign of schizophrenia. But this is actually kind of cool. Who knew schizophrenia could be so cool?"

"For the last time, I'm not a hallucination - and you are not schizophrenic."

"Of course you would say that." 

Ghost-Morgan inhaled deeply. "Look. I'm not a hallucination. I'm a ghost -"

"Morgans not dead," Reid interrupted.

Ghost-Morgan's eye twitched. "Okay, look, I'm not Morgan, okay? You're the genius, you figure this out! I took on this form to make you more comfortable - would you prefer if I showed you how I  _really_ look? Because I can assure you, it won't be pretty!"

Reid blinked. "Did you just insult yourself?"

"No!" cried Ghost-Morgan. "Look, can we just get this over and done with? All I have to do is give you a little trip to the past, and then we can call it a night!"

"Kind of pointless," Reid said. "I have an eidetic memory. I remember every event that ever happened. You're wasting your time."

"Try telling that to my boss," Ghost-Morgan said. "Come on, let's make this quick."

Reid's bedroom dissolved away and they found themselves standing in a completely different location.

"I'd rather go to sleep," Reid said. "I'm kind of tired, and I have a big day ahead of me -"

"Shut up," Ghost-Morgan said, cutting him off. "I'm trying to help you here! I am the Ghost of Drug-Users-Past...this is supposed to help you get over your dilaudid addiction!"

Reid gave him an odd look. "How is watching my parents have sex meant to help me with my drug addiction?"

Ghost-Morgan froze. He hurried over to stand next to Reid. His jaw dropped open."What the  _hell?"_

"Maybe you were trying to show me an event before my father left?" Reid suggested. "Which is great and all, except you kind of picked the wrong one."

"This wasn't what I was aiming for," Ghost-Morgan muttered, looking flustered. "Come on, kid, let's get out of here."

There was a flash of light and the room dissolved. Suddenly Reid and Ghost-Morgan were standing somewhere else.

"My old maths teacher and science teacher," Reid said, squinting in disbelief. "I don't know if this is better or worse."

"What the hell is wrong with me today?" Ghost-Morgan muttered, shaking his head.

"Lack of sex?" Reid suggested.

"I usually have way more control!" he continued, ignoring Reid. "I'm trying to get us to the Hankel situation -"

"The  _Hankel_  situation _?"_ Reid repeated incredulously. "Take me anywhere near there and I  _will_ punch you!"

"I didn't sign up for this," Ghost-Morgan groaned. "That's it. I'm going to let the Ghost of Drug-Users-Present to deal with you. I'm outta here."

Reid's brow furrowed with apprehension."You will take me home first, right?"

A moment later he was back in his own bed.

"Thank god," he said, curling up under his blankets. He'd changed his mind - hallucinations were  _not_ cool, even if they were of Morgan-as-a-ghost. Especially if they ended up giving him new found memories of his parents having sex. Who the  _hell_ showed a person with an  _eidetic memory_ something like that?

"Woooooow, look at me, I look so good!" a new voice exclaimed. Reid wrenched his eyes open.

When he saw what was standing in front of him, he screamed.

"Hey, sweetie, calm down, it's just me!"

"That can't be normal!" Reid squeaked, staring in horror at the  _thing_ in front of him. The  _thing_ that was half of Garcia and half of JJ...literally...

"I think I'm going to be sick," Reid moaned.

"Not on me please," the JJ half of the thing exclaimed. "I just got my hair done."

Reid whimpered.

"Honey, why are you so scared?" the Garcia-half asked.

"I  _told_ you he'd prefer it if it was just me!" the JJ-half complained.

"What's wrong with me?" the Garcia-half retorted.

"I think I'm going crazy," Reid moaned. For the first time that night, he actually felt afraid.

"Honey, we aren't trying to scare you!" the Garcia-half soothed. "We both wanted the job so we decided that this was the best way to do it!"

"Splitting yourself in half was the best way to do it?" Reid exclaimed incredulously.

"Well it was better than the alternative," the Garcia-half said cheerfully. She clapped her hands together. "So! Shall I do the introductions? I am the brilliant Ghost of Drug-Users Present -"

The JJ-half coughed.

"Okay,  _we_ are the Ghosts of Drug-Users Present. We are going to take you on a trip through current times, and show you exactly what your  _deadly_ habit is doing to your friends!"

Reid stared. "You know, Ghost-Morgan already tried this. It didn't work."

The room dissolved.

Suddenly Reid was standing in a completely different location, still dressed in his pyjamas. The horrific mess that was the Garcia-JJ-Ghost stood next to him, both halves grinning proudly.

The smiles fell away when they realized what they were seeing.

"Holy shit," breathed the Garcia-half. "Who knew Hotch had it in him."

"Forget Hotch," the JJ-half exclaimed. "Check out  _Haley._ Geez, we now know who has the balls in that relationship!"

"Um." Reid averted his eyes, a blush spreading across his cheeks. "Are you ghosts all sex deprived or something?"

"Huh?" The Garcia-half blinked. "Oh no honey, that's just you."

"Oh my god," breathed the JJ-half. "I hope someday I'll find a man who'll do that for me."

"JJ," the Garcia-half said, "do you think we should get our lovable Junior G-Man out of here before his innocence is tarnished?"

"Hmm." The JJ-half blinked and tore her eyes away from the scene. "Oh, uh, sure...let's go..." Her eyes drifted back. "Oh my  _god..."_

The room dissolved.

"That's Gideon," Reid observed. "What's he doing?"

The man was bent over what looked to be a CD player - yes it was. Reid could see more clearly now that he'd leaned back. The older man smiled in satisfaction and suddenly music blared through the kitchen.

_Heavy Metal_ Music.

Reid winced at the sound. He's eyes grew even wider as Gideon began to sing along, his head moving wildly to the beat.

"Can we please go?" Reid begged. "Before you ruin the image I have of Gideon for ever?"

"Ooooh," the JJ-half's eyes widened, and she leaned forward excitedly. "What sort of image do you have of him?"

Reid's face crinkled with disgust. "You know, you're like a sicker, more twisted version of JJ."

"Can we get out of here before the really bad screamo starts?" the Garcia-half asked.

The room dissolved.

"This really isn't helping," Reid said. "Can I just go home?"

"We have to help you," the Garcia-half said, sounding determined.

"You forever ruined my image of Gideon, and I will never look at Hotch the same way again. Isn't that enough?"

"We're just trying to -"

"To help, I know" Reid snapped. "But if anything, all this is enough to make me overdose!"

The Garcia-JJ-Thing stared at him, both halves blinking simultaneously.

"I think that might just cost us our jobs," the JJ-half observed. "Garcia...what should we do about this?"

"I don't know," sighed the Garcia-half. "This was never in the hand book. The only reason I even became the Ghost of Drug-Users Present was because their usually more mellowed out by now. This guys a nightmare."

"Have you looked in a mirror lately?" Reid said incredulously.

"Can we just take him home?" the JJ-half sighed. "I have a facial booked for tomorrow morning, and I need to be well rested."

The Garcia-half sighed. "I need a new job. I can't believe we didn't get  _anything_ from this!"

"It's the middle of the night." Reid shrugged. "What did you expect?"

A moment later the room dissolved. The JJ-Garcia-Thing disappeared, and Reid was back in his own bed. He didn't relax into his blankets and attempt to fall asleep this time. He sighed and sat still, waiting for the Ghost of Drug-Users Future to show up.

He was proven right a moment later.

"I am the Ghost of Drug-Users -"

"- Future" Reid cut the deep, almost-echoing voice off. "Yeah I know. Hey Hotch."

Ghost-Hotch's shoulders slumped. "That was my big announcement," he grumbled. He cleared his throat, and in a louder voice, said: "I am not Aaron Hotchner. I am the -"

"Yeah I know," Reid cut in. "Can we get this over with?"

Hotch frowned at him. "Strange," he muttered.

A moment later the room dissolved.

The next thing he knew, Reid was standing in meeting room at the BAU. The team was seated around the table - well most of them, anyway. Reid couldn't see Gideon anywhere; maybe his heavy-metal ways had gotten the better of him.

"I want you to take a look at the scene below you," Ghost-Hotch said coldly. "And see what you have done to your team -"

His voice cut off as the door open and an older looking Reid strode through. Reid was disappointed to see that he actually didn't look that different, other than the new short, scruffy hair.

"There he is!" Morgan exclaimed, looking extremely enthusiastic as he waved him over.

Emily grinned. "Good on you, Reid."

"Reid." Hotch (the real Hotch, not the ghost) gave him a rare smile. "Your work on this case was outstanding. Some of your best work, I have to say."

"I brought champagne," said an elderly man who Reid had never met before.

Ghost-Hotch stared. "I don't understand..." he murmured. "How have they not noticed that you've been struggling with a drug addiction for the past however-many years?  _No one_ can be  _that_ unobservant..."

"That's because I haven't been," Reid said, tearing his eyes away from the scene and facing Ghost-Hotch. "I gave up dialudid about a month ago."

Ghost-Hotch stared. "...What?"

"I gave up dialudid about a month ago," Reid repeated. "So, you know, you're a bit late."

Hotch shook his head. "No, no, that can't be right..." He pulled a book out from the pocket of his coat - a small diary - and began to flip frantically through it.

"Goddammit! I put it under the wrong date - this was meant for last month!"

Reid smiled. "I told you." 

"Well why didn't you say something sooner?" Hitch glared, lowering the diary. "You could have saved us a lot of time!"

Reid shrugged. "Well, despite all the horrible sex and scarring images, this was actually kind of cool. Plus, I wanted to see how I looked in the future."

Ghost-Hotch stared at him for a long moment. "...You realise I could lose my job for this, right?"

Reid shrugged. "I liked you better in the BAU."

"I'm not really Aaron Hotchner!" yelled Ghost-Hotch. "I am the Ghost of Drug-Users Future, and I worked my ass off for this job! Fifteen years - that's how long it took.  _Fifteen fucking years!"_

Reid blinked. "Wow," he murmured. "I don't think I ever heard Hotch swear before."

Ghost-Hotch let out a shuddering breath. "Damn job," he breathed. "I knew I should have started a one-man tuba band when I had the chance!"

"Can I go home now?" Reid asked, yawning slightly. "I have a big day tomorrow, and I should catch up on my sleep. Do you know that the average adult needs at least -"

"Alright," Ghost-Hotch cut him off. "I'll take you home - since you obviously don't care for my plight, there's no point keeping you around." He scowled.

A moment later the room dissolved, and then Reid was once again standing in his bedroom. Ghost-Hotch was gone.

"Hotch in a one-man tuba band…" Reid murmured thoughtfully. "Now that's something I'd like to see."

With a loud yawn he stretched and curled up into bed, falling asleep almost immediately.

His night was uninterrupted after that and Reid came to the conclusion that maybe it was all a whacky dream that his sleep-deprived mind had created. This thought was soon crushed as soon as he arrived at work the next day and caught sight of the barely visible hickey on Hotch's neck, and the suspicious-looking CD's that Gideon was attempt to sneak into his office.

 


End file.
